rnher.”
BlomkvistleftVangerwhenhestartedtodozeoff.Hepackedhisbelongingsintotwosuitcases.Asheclosedthedoortothecottageforthelasttime,hepausedandthenwentovertoCecilia’shouseandknocked.Shewasnothome.Hetookouthispocketcalendar,toreoutapage,andwrote:Iwishyouallthebest.Trytofiveme.Mikael.Heputthenoteinherletterbox.AnelectrihristmascandleshoneinthekitchenwindowofMartinVanger’semptyhouse.
HetookthelasttrainbacktoStockholm.
DuringtheholidaysSalandertunedouttherestoftheworld.Shedidnotanswerhertelephoneandshedidnotturnonherputer.Shespenttwodayswashinglaundry,scrubbing,andcleaningupherapartment.Year-oldpizzaboxesandnewspaperswerebundledupandcarrieddownstairs.Shedraggedoutatotalofsixblackrubbishbagsandtwentypaperbagsfullofnewspapers.Shefeltasifshehaddecidedtostartanewlife.Shethoughtaboutbuyinganewapartment—whenshefoundsomethingsuitable—butfornowheroldplacewouldbemoredazzlinglycleanthanshecouldeverremember.
Thenshesatasifparalysed,thinking.Shehadneverinherlifefeltsuchalonging.ShewantedMikaelBlomkvisttoringthedoorbelland…whatthen?Liftherofftheground,holdherinhisarms?Passionatelytakeherintothebedroomandtearoffherclothes?No,shereallyjustwantedhispany.Shewantedtohearhimsaythathelikedherforwhoshewas.Thatshewassomeonespecialinhisworldandinhislife.Shewantedhimtogivehersomegestureoflove,notjustoffriendshipandpanionship.I’mflippingout,shethought.
Shehadnofaithinherself.Blomkvistlivedinaworldpopulatedbypeoplewithrespectablejobs,peoplewithorderlylivesandlotsofgrown-uppoints.Hisfriendsdidthings,wentonTV,andshapedtheheadlines.Whatdoyouneedmefor?Salander’sgreatestfear,whichwassohugeandsoblackthatitwasofphobicproportions,wasthatpeoplewouldlaughatherfeelings.Andallofasuddenallhercarefullyconstructedself-confidenceseemedtocrumble.
That’swhenshemadeuphermind.Ittookherseveralhourstomobilisethenecessarycourage,butshehadtoseehimandtellhimhowshefelt.
Anythingelsewouldbeunbearable.
Sheneededsomeexcusetoknockonhisdoor.ShehadnotgivenhimanyChristmasp